it becomes dangerous, when you let someone become so much a part of your life, that they become a part of you. that when they hurt, you take on the pain and put on a brave face, fighting their demons for them, taking on their battle scars. willingly throwing myself in front of any threat, throwing myself into a path of self destruction. this happens, and who do you turn to, for not wanting to ease back the pain onto them, except yourself. it becomes an inner turmoil, you learn to wedge out of sight out of mind, so far deep it ends up soaking into your being, more and more it fills, till it leaks out your pores. pessimism, maybe this is how it happens.

middle ground?

What do you do when you have two extremely conflicting choices, how do you find the balance?

One part of me just wants to dive straight in, head first, fully immerse myself and not care for the consequences or whether I'm 'too keen', constantly showering him with all the love I have for him

And the other part of me just wants to dive back into the shell/back of the wall that I have created for fear of being vulnerable, just to hide everything that I feel and seek the emotional void that I have catered to and grown into comfortably.

I actually feel like these two parts of me are pulling at each other, and fuck it's so frustrating trying to cater to both. How the hell do people find that middle ground?

I seem to always find myself at both ends. Either being too keen or too distant I don't know.

Ok rant over.

they say the more we care, the more we have to lose. 

caring too much is scary, it leaves you vulnerable and susceptible to so much hurt. 

it's easier to run away from your emotions 

than it is to deal with it when it's too late 

no, not to run away completely 

but to take quick sprints 

time for myself 

to think 

to sort out my erratic state of mind 

how much am I willing to invest myself 

how much of myself can I give before 

i lose myself completely

how much is too much 

how much is too little 

how much am i willing to give

nauseous and heart sick.

only way i know how to deal with this is to distance myself,

but we're already so far apart

what would that achieve